Sarah knew she would never see Bill again. This would be their last meeting. All those nights of clandestine escapades, all those secret emails, all those weekend trips to the Vaseline factory would soon be things of the past, never to be repeated. Sarah knew this. But, for Pete’s sake, she was not going to let thoughts like these ruin their final rendezvous.
As she sat at the coffee shop pondering these things, Bill finally walked in. Sarah was so happy to see his face again, but she noticed he was limping badly. Sarah looked down and, to her horror, she noticed that Bill had lost one of his feet since their last meeting. You see, Bill had an artificial, wooden foot, and he had left it at the bowling alley the night before – thus the limp.
Bill was an average looking man, of average age, with average hair and eye color. But Bill had one trait that was well above average. This trait was what had originally attracted Sarah to Bill – and who could blame her. Every woman wants a man who is above average in this area, and Sarah was no exception. You see, Bill could tell the difference between teal and turquoise. Most of the guys that Sarah had met in the past called both colors green. In fact, some of the less virile of them thought teal was blue. Can you believe that? I sure can. Several of her past boyfriends thought turquoise was a sea turtle, but not Bill. No, Bill was a color connoisseur. He even understood periwinkle.
Bill was beat up a lot as a schoolboy, but even then he would describe the blood flowing from his nose as crimson, with a hint of maroon. These difficult experiences in his childhood forged a strength of character in Bill that was really not all that great. I mean, he was kind of a weenie in most other areas of his life. But this color thing, Bill was the best at it, and Sarah was smitten.
Often they would travel to the fabric store or Chuck E. Cheese to discuss the various hues and the way each made them feel. Then, at the end of such adventurous outings, they would stop by their favorite greasy spoon for a corn dog and a side of shortening. These were the beautiful times that Sarah knew she would always remember, and that she knew would never happen again.
You see, Bill had been diagnosed with a terrible disease, called Limbic Pooty Pants (LPP). This debilitating affliction affects some seven or eight imaginary people each year. The limbic system in the brain is responsible for emotion, behavior, motivation, long-term memory, and knitting. Whenever a person afflicted with LPP feels a strong emotion or sees someone knitting, they involuntarily poop in their pants. This had caused Bill so much embarrassment and humiliation over the years that he had finally had enough. He had two choices – limbotomy (removal of the limbic system), or moving to an uninhabited island where he could walk around without pants. Bill chose the second option. He was leaving in the morning.
Sarah was so sad – not just because she would never again spend time with Bill, but more because the world would be robbed of a man with such a discriminating sense of color. She wondered what new shades he might discover on the island. She wondered if he would poop directly on the sand. At least there would be no knitting, she hoped.
As Bill took a seat at the table, he slipped and hit his head and bled out. Sarah thought to herself, “crimson and maroon – crimson and maroon”. She left the coffee shop with Pete from the first paragraph.